When I was Hopeless

Let me tell you about a little thing called hope. Hope Church to be exact. It's the church I've been going to for a little over a year now. I've been in and out of churches all my life, but I've never really been a part of one. My church life was more like... show up because it's what I was told I'm supposed to do, and then leave as soon as possible. 

   I came to this church when was very lost. I'm not sure I knew I was lost at the time, but they say hind sight is 20x20. I was always very lonely back then, even if I was surrounded by people. I so desperately wanted someone to care about me, but I was so afraid of being rejected that I couldn't really talk to people. I couldn't let anyone in far enough to let them care. I felt stuck, and I didn't know why. I didn't know how to fix it. At one point it got so bad that I honestly didn't care if I lived or died. I would have never hurt myself because I knew that was definitely the wrong answer... But at the same time I thought dying couldn't possibly be worse than this feeling. 

   Late 2017 there was this boy. He was interested in me, but I wasn't really interested in him. I should have realized I was leading him on, but I was so broken I couldn't see it clearly. All I knew was it hurt worse when he wasn't there, because I felt like he was the only one who cared. Even though that wasn't true. 

   He kept asking about a relationship, but I kept turning him down. Eventually, I got so exhausted from saying no that I just gave in. The second I did I felt sick to my stomach. I knew I had made the wrong decision as soon I had said it, but I was too afraid of being alone to take it back. I wrestled with that decision for 4 days, and decided I was more afraid of what would happen if I kept on this path. I took it back before we even had our first date, and he left. Just like that I was alone again. 

   I had been going to church with my sister and her husband, but I wasn't really getting anything out of it. The church felt very unwelcoming and similar to all the other churches I had been to as a kid. New years 2018, my sister and I made a new year's resolution to try finding a new church. My sister really wanted to learn how to pray better. The way I was feeling, all I wanted was a safe place where I felt at home. 

   My sister texted me the address to the new church she had found. By this point I felt so broken that I was willing to go anywhere. To be honest, I didn't have any idea what to expect. Little did I know this place would radically change my whole life. 

   That first Sunday I walked in the doors I felt a shiver down my spine. We felt a little awkward in the new place, not quite sure if it would work out. When I sat down I noticed something that looked like a postcard. There, on the end of pew, was a small little piece of cardstock. On it were just 2 simple words, but those words sent a second shiver down my spine. The card had said "Welcome Home." on it. That was the first time I heard God in that building. "This couldn't possibly be for me. How would they know. This is just a coincidence." I tried to reason. I later found out that that was the very first Sunday they had decided to put those on the benches. I had been so inexperienced with things from God that I couldn't wrap my head around it. 

   The preacher came out, said good morning, and read a few announcements. Then he said something that surprised us. He said "Today we're starting a series called Pray Hard. It's a series where we'll learn when to pray, what to pray, why to pray, and how long to pray." which sent the third shiver down my spine. 

   It was a really good gathering I feel like I learned so much. Then before the gathering ended pastor Frank said "I wanna end this service with a chance to invite anyone who wants to be prayed for or prayed over up to the front here. So that we can pray with you." I felt an urge to go up there, but I was to shy to go.

   When pastor Frank prayed he said "I also want to pray for anyone still left in their seats that felt the need to come but couldn't."... This statement sent the final shiver down my spine, feeling it all the way down to my toes. I broke down into tears. I felt an overwhelming amount of love in that moment. I couldn't believe that God cared for me so much to put all of this together. 

  I tried to think of an explanation for these 'Holy Chills'. As odd as it may sound they feel  like... to me, these chills feel like hugs. When I'm hurting or upset or just get overwhelmed, I get shivers down my spine and it feels like the holy spirit trying to comfort me. I have no doubt in my mind that God sent me this church. This is the place I'm meant to be. Once I realized that, I was filled with such overwhelming joy. 

   I have grown so much in my spiritual journey here. I've learned the value that God has placed upon my life. I've learned my life has purpose. I've learned that I have a job that God has made me specifically to do. I've learned the right way to pray. I've learned God's name. I made really good friends who have helped me more than they even know. I got baptized... But most importantly I've learned that I am never alone. Being alone has always been my greatest fear, but I've learned that with God there's no such thing as alone. He has always, is always, and will ALWAYS.... Be with you. "For I am with you always, even to the end of the age. " Matthew 28:20 

   I'm so thankful God has blessed me with a home church as amazing as this one. It's a place where I can see God working. I can feel God's presence. It's a true place of worship. God speaks through the people there. I hear things that I need to hear, and not just things I want to hear. Even if they don't approve of something they still whole heartedly accept you as a person. They realize everyone makes mistakes and we all need Jesus just the same amount. The people are friendly and welcoming. I've met good, genuine people that I'm happy to call my friends.

   This place means the world to me and, to be honest, it's probably the greatest gift God has ever given me. If you would have asked me before Hope Church, I would have told you I was a Christian. If you asked me now, I would tell you I wasn't saved until I found Hope Church. I have gotten closer to God in the past year of going to this church than I have in the whole other 21 years of my life. 

   I just want to say thank you to all the people at Hope that have been there for me. You might not know it, but you mean the world to me. Thank you for being such wonderful people of God.